Optics and Reality

Weary of routine life, and jaded with the status quo, I often indulge in fantasy escapes where I trade lives with folks, who for me, epitomize "living" and not just "breathing"! Anthony Bourdain 'was' one such personality. I lived vicariously as he traveled to remote corners, tasted unique cuisines, and made friends with the locals. Wow - that is being alive, I thought. 

Waking up to morning alarms has long been replaced by CNN news alerts.  And June 8, 2018, was no different. I looked at the breaking news and jumped out of the bed in disbelief. Anthony Bourdain is dead. And he 'took' his life. I pinched myself to ensure I was awake. Anthony B had nothing to live for, or look forward to? The man, who for me, was the definition of 'being alive'.  Shocked, and perplexed, I was too numb to react.  I remember rereading the lines doubting if I was comprehending this correctly.

As the media analyzed the reasons behind his choice to end his life, interviews of him and his close friends surfaced; soon there was a deluge of articles unmasking the 'optics' of a seemingly perfect life.  He was tired of living out of suitcases, felt rootless and what struck me most was all his friendships with strangers had a shelf life of a week or so. Then he was off to a new place, met new people, and formed new friendships.  I have always been fond of strangers, they don't come with past baggage and it always feels like a fresh start. But then we find comfort in familiarity; if life came with a reset button every fortnight, that wouldn't be pleasant. So I guess Anthony Bourdain's exotic life craved mundane normalcy. Simple things like sipping coffee from a familiar mug, reading the news in his favorite armchair, and greeting the same doorman on his way out to work. 

We take these for granted. Yet they are an essential part of our lives. 

Of Marriage and Kids

 It was a winter morning in early January, I was in class 11 (or a junior in high school in US lingo).  As I entered the school, I saw scattered clusters of students engaged in hushed conversations, teachers crowding around the Principal's room,  and the assembly bell ten minutes late. The gloomy sky and the winter chill acting as the perfect backdrop for a sinister event. As I searched for my friends, I caught whispers - 'suicide', 'kerosene, 'last night' ...

One of our seniors, N had committed suicide by burning herself after dousing in kerosene. I knew N,  a popular girl who excelled in sports especially in track. She was a petite figure, curly hair tied in a not-so-neat braid, big eyes with an easy smile.  As we tried to fathom the news, different versions, of what caused her to commit suicide, kept floating  -- she had an 'affair' and the boy ditched her. Broken-hearted, she took the ultimate step. Others opined she was trying to elope with her beau but the family locked her up in a room ... information piling in making it difficult to discern between 'facts' and what were 'figments of imagination.'

During the morning assembly, our Principal chose her words carefully when she announced the news.  'It is an unfortunate (not sad) incident ... we should always remember to trust the almighty and ask for His forgiveness ... never forget He is the savior ... '. There will be no holiday in honor of her memory and we were requested to refrain from the gossip mill.

Needless to say, for the next few days, our lunch and free periods were 'dedicated' to finding out more details on the 'what led' factor.  Yes, there was a guy in the picture - she actually had many boyfriends. I feel a need to explain something here - 'in our young teenage days 'boyfriend' was a 'hushed' word - forget about being encouraged to have one, we were threatened with dire consequences if we were ever caught having one. We were to 'study hard' and 'play less' - we had plenty of successful "dull Janes" as our role models.  This was the context of N having multiple boyfriends. And then slowly came the news of her being 'pregnant. Now it made absolute sense ... of course, she had to commit suicide, what else could she have done? How could she become pregnant? I mean the basic logistics of 'sleeping around' wasn't conducive during our time - 'no rooms of our own.' If the parents were out of town - the ever-vigilant neighbors were there! Unless one was adventurous enough to take a day trip to Diamond Harbor and shack up in one of those back-alley hotels.  Whatever it was, it was a terrible irreversible mistake, making 'suicide'  her only way to 'survive'. The incident stuck with me for many years.

Fast forward 30 years. My laugh lines have been replaced by the frown lines,  clarity compromised with both near and distant vision,  and overall cynicism and impatience pervade my life in general.  Meanwhile,  social interaction has seen sea changes with the advent of the virtual world. I am 'friends' with folks I have never met, never spoken to, yet I am privy to what a day in their life looks like. Thanks to YouTube blogs. I try to relive the past by watching blogs by young parents with toddlers (my son is a teenager) and my favorite is J's. She is a mother of two adorable kids, extremely harried yet loving every moment of it. From tips on how to wean her five months old daughter to the weekly grocery haul, her videos are a delight to watch. The father of the kids is a busy man but makes an effort to spend quality time with family. They post blogs of vacations, social gatherings with extended families - all markers of a happy family writ large on the blogs. Except they are not a family in the traditional sense. The parents of the 5 yr and 18 months old kids are not married. Very recently, she informed her viewers of their decision to 'walk the aisles' at last. She is giving us glimpses of her wedding prep while she balances the demands of being a mother, the two families eagerly chipping in making the event a special one.

And I thought about N. Barely with a passage of 30 years, there has been a momentous change in options. Granted these are two different worlds we are referring to- a developing nation with a developed one. But even in India, today she would have choices - terminating the pregnancy if she wasn't ready or go ahead with it, and then plan a wedding later, with kids in tow.  Most importantly, she would have a choice to be alive.