I wrote this post in 2021 but never published it.
'What is so wrong with reality' Dr. R questions in a calm voice, but with peering eyes. He didn't want to miss the slightest body language.
" W ...well ... I want to have a fresh beginning, I mean a clean slate ..." I stuttered.
"what's making this current slate dirty?" he had the question ready.
"I am not sure ... I think I can go to a new place, begin everything from the start ... no one will know us. We can make new friends, build a community ... you see ... housing is so much better. I always hated this place. I love my job and the university, and friends and colleagues - but ... " The words were not even making sense to me.
"What is stopping you from making friends here?" Dr.R tries hard to understand.
" noo ... I mean a new house, new neighborhood. I can start ... I don't know Dr. R. I just want to go away".
This was becoming a routine drill in our weekly therapy sessions. Maybe not verbatim. But in a similar form or shape. I want to go away ... either to Alaska, Norway, or even Reykjavik. Eternal issue of 'running from' rather than 'running to'. From childhood to young adult life, daydreaming has plagued me. I took solace in the 'what if' scenarios, rather than taking the slow and tested path of grit.
"what's making this current slate dirty?" he had the question ready.
"I am not sure ... I think I can go to a new place, begin everything from the start ... no one will know us. We can make new friends, build a community ... you see ... housing is so much better. I always hated this place. I love my job and the university, and friends and colleagues - but ... " The words were not even making sense to me.
"What is stopping you from making friends here?" Dr.R tries hard to understand.
" noo ... I mean a new house, new neighborhood. I can start ... I don't know Dr. R. I just want to go away".
This was becoming a routine drill in our weekly therapy sessions. Maybe not verbatim. But in a similar form or shape. I want to go away ... either to Alaska, Norway, or even Reykjavik. Eternal issue of 'running from' rather than 'running to'. From childhood to young adult life, daydreaming has plagued me. I took solace in the 'what if' scenarios, rather than taking the slow and tested path of grit.
Fast forward to 2020. I did 'go away' - from California to New Jersey. A cross country move, I convinced myself, was what I needed. Am I happy now? Not really ... yes, the housing is affordable, but I no longer care for buying a house. The long winter with the initial excitement of experiencing snowfall has given way to more practical problems -- getting the car plowed out, driving in snow. I miss Stanford ... miserably. I long to shop at my familiar Trader Joe's, eat at my favorite restaurant, and share weekend drinks with my friends. But at least now I know something for sure ... I will hate that too.
So what is this illusive chase about? How can I learn to ground myself in the present? It is so painful not being comfortable in one's own skin and I wish I knew how to help myself.
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